Hello to all of you out there in blog land. Today is the day that I have been moved to speak about a few things that have been matriculating in my heart and head. As most of you know and for those of you who do not, Billy is a recovering alcoholic and addict. He will soon have been home for two months, and the 6th of December he will have been clean and sober for six months. He attends AA meetings five nights a week. We live one day at a time. I am an active member of Al-Anon and thank God that He has created a place for hurt and sick people to find help. I am grateful for God, his mercy, and his grace.
We are losing more support starting in January 2008 and have lost our previous sponsor and countless other things as direct consequences of Billy's disease. These losses are not why I have decided to speak about me. Since this journey began, I have had to closely analyze my life and own illness as a co-dependent person. I was born into a very disfunctional family, and that carries its own set of problems. I married a man that had his DNA marked at birth. I have chosen not to live my life as a victim or blame anyone for what is happening to us now. It is just the way it is.
I do, however, have a few things to say about judgements that have been passed onto us. It seems some feel that we are now not apt for work in the kingdom. Who in this world is not plagued by some form of their own disfunction? Who in this world does not struggle with their own perception of who they are or hide behind a mask and pretend to be something they are not? Who in this world has got it all right? Who in this world has the right to make judgement calls on other people they do not even know or have a relationship with? What has happened to autonomy? Who in this world deserve complete forgiveness without any strings attached? I think it is called unconditional love. Who in this world has not sinned? How many have sinned and hide their iniquities in the closet? How many have set themselves up as judge and jury when they themselves should be sitting in the chair facing their own weakness and sin?
I am so glad that I know Jesus and the story of the woman confronted by a group of good citizens with stones in their hands ready to deal out judgement. Jesus said to them, "If any of you is without sin let him cast the first stone." Billy is the prodigal son with the robe and ring on his finger. He is a man that has been to hell and back again, and he knows what it is to be forgiven. God is already using him mightily in the lives of others. When you get to heaven, ask Brandon, Billy's young friend who died two weeks ago, who showed him about Jesus. I am a woman who still loves and forgives and lives one day at a time thanking God that I have been given insight into the lives of hurting, damaged people.
And there are those who think that we are not apt for work in the kingdom. I will be so bold as to put our mental health, spiritual walk, marriage, and family relationships up for display against any of yours and see who is healthier. Recovery is a daily job ... turning it all over and having complete dependency in God is true freedom. Knowing who I am, my sin, my weakness and knowing that God sees it all and stands next to me is liberating.
Tell me who does not have a favorite shirt that is torn and tacky but still uses it. Which of you does not have a favorite cup that is cracked, and yet you still drink from it? How many of you have a favorite ornament for your tree at Christmas that is old and ragged and still hang it because your child or grandchild made it ... is it still useful? Does it not still give you joy? That is who we are ... Billy and myself. People who are cracked, torn and beat up but still useful for God.
One more question. What about me, Belinda Moore? Am I not still worthy after 20 years on the mission field? After the sacrifices, the damage done to my own children, am I not still worthy of hire? Am I not a missionary?
Blessings Belinda "la pistolera"